Los Angeles, like Chicago or New York, is a city that has the power to permanently alter your state of mind no matter how hard you resist. Eventually we all become so Angeleno that ideas which would literally be maniacal anywhere else—like making a right turn when you’re firmly situated in the left turn lane—seem not only normal but absolutely justifiable. The way we think about dating is no exception. Perhaps you, like me, moved from the Midwest with a set of checklist items that could as easily apply to a love interest in Bassett, Nebraska as they could to one in Oak Brook, Illinois: must be employed, preferably a non-smoker, would be convenient if they loved Zac Efron’s oeuvre as much as I do. (Come at me about Charlie St. Cloud. I will destroy you.)

But living in L.A. introduces an entirely new and totally site-specific set of deal breakers to the already-impossible-to-navigate dating scene. Some of these are intellectually and logistically concrete. Some are not, and yet they automatically render any person a sexual non-entity. All are 100 percent valid*.

Living More Than Three Miles Away From Someone

No one wants to be in a long distance relationship. An Angeleno who claims they’re “not flaky” is almost as absurd as one who claims they’ll “eventually move back home” to whatever flyover state they came here from. It’s just not true. We are a town of Bumble/Tinder/The League/Hinge profiles that read, “This is super harsh, but like, don’t contact me if you live east of the 405. srsly. no offense.” If love is going to find a way in this town, it’s not going to be via any of its highways or major arteries.

Casually Trying to Pronounce Los Feliz as Los Feh-LEES

True life: I was this person when I first moved here because I was all, I double minored in Spanish and Latin American Studies in college! But then I was treated like a leper, so I stopped. Is it kind of Gaslight-y to make people feel insane for wanting to pronounce Spanish words correctly? You bet. But is it even more insane to pronounce it Los Feh-LEES and then not pronounce it Los AHN-hey-leys? Yes.


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